I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? I dont much care for Vegas. The Rio does have huge rooms! What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. I went just this month with my husband. Give yourself at least 45 min for each stop: time to change a diaper, feed, go to the restroom, maybe change a second diaper before you get back on the road. Go on the trip. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. He mad at my company and questions the motives. The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. ! Um, Im going to my cousins house. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. How does he handle that? Youre adults. Dont! Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Bartending is legitimate work too. First, therapy is good, but medication is faster. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. Im wondering if hes ever been to Vegas? Sure within reason. <3. This is bound to make them curious and excited. Last time you went on a business trip, you spent the entire time dealing with his feelings about it instead of focusing of what you were actually there to do. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Did he not get the memo thats not how dating works. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. He called to tell me he won a bunch of money at Black Jack and was getting free drinks. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. I didnt hear that there were kids. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. I thought my mom was the only one like this. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. Street photography! Could be true. FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. PS: My third period class, mostly high-functioning autism cases, is split. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. Look at it again. (And there is outside reinforcement for this my MIL things Im insane for letting my 10-year-old go to the bathroom, which I can see clearly from our restaurant table, alone.) Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. But thats a separate issue. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. I take for granted everyone doesnt live this way. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. Would he demand she quit? (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. They dont have to go out of town to do it. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. Its really way to easy to armchair diagnose, and its not helpful. Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. Yeah, Vegas can be a skeezy place but I havent found it to be any worse than LA, Nashville, Cincinnati, New York, Seattle, Boston, or any of the other cities Ive been to. And to his credit, he cut it out. Its a him issue. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Honestly, it feels awful. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. He may make it seem like you are choosing your career over your marriage, which of course causes you to feel guilty, but as my good friend said recently youre not choosing your career over him, youre choosing yourself over him. Im trying to take that advice to heart OP, hope you can too! This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. And the shopping! If he refuses to go, go alone. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? My husband has been for business conferences. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. And no matter what, go on the trip. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. When I was growing up, my mom would take a week off in the winter and go on vacation with one or two friends. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. Its just unacceptable. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. I obviously dont TELL people I have these thoughts because it tends to freak people out! Ithewhat??? And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. I bet youll have fun. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Im not even sure how I would react to that. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. I did a big expo in Ocean City during the Spring everything was still closed, I spent a good chunk of it setting stuff up, taking stuff down, and generally stuck in a hotel and the only fun I had was going to a few restaurants and walking on the beach for half an hour. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? You can get really great meals there. This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. I dont gamble much. Im sure your husband isnt a huge jerk or anything, but this is not healthy and he should not be pressuring you to do something that would risk your job. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. I hope they can find a solution. Might I suggest Hotwire? Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). One day was outside. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. Dont engage with his arguments. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. Can you believe it? Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. Yes, but trailer park crimes are good, upstanding crimes like cooking meth and domestic violence, and obviously those crimes are less dangerous to bystanders than being attacked by a sex criminal just for walking down the street. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. Just Saying. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. Why wont he go on the trip with you? Feel free to point out where I did that. Friend: Uh-huh. within arms range. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. All rights reserved. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. Anywhere in the USA or abroad. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. I'd hate for you to miss out because of the trip! Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. Yup. Do not sacrifice your career for this. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. Ive been to Vegas. But a counselor can assess it and go from there. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. You can find prostitution and gambling in lots of cities, large and small, if youre looking for temptation. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call.