You found it on the floor and because you were mad at me you threw it in the trash. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. I can relate to this. He has been a major womanizer and into porno all my married life. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. He even said I love you so muchwhat? But wanted me to stay with him!!! He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. I know there is a grieving process. These times are probably gone forever. And even more so, that he couldnt help me to get over it in any way, just in the contrary, he tried (and still tries) to belittle my concerns and even stir them up again and again to lower his own bad feelings about it. The call the police one didnt work for me. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. yes he already was in contact with another woman whilst I still was with him, he was on dating sites and I have learned; to him I was nothing but a narcissistic extension. I stopped wanting him to respect me, my sacrifices, and started asking myself to do it. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. I think my father was also a narcissist, but has been tamed by his new wife who showers him with compliments. Says I am a know it all and have too many opinions.He does revenge for things I didnt try to do. Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). Ann, was he ever there for you? Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! There is a part of me that wonders if I am narcissistic too, or that maybe I am misdiagnosing. I have also read kims info and much more. Pay attention to what your partner does more than what he or . Do you think thats possible? Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? He puts on quite a show at times. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. Both of them were totally neglected and punished severly when they were young and left for the oldest sister to raise them. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. Oh yes! Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. He was an illusion all along. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. 4 Bore them with the "gray rock" treatment. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. He has drained it! This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. I agree with all of this content. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. I understand now why I kept drawing emotional leaches or vampires. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. He is well known in Our small community. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Holding a Narcissist Accountable - TheNCMarriage.com. I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! Confused. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. I guess he was held accountable for his choices and the natural consequences for his behavoir was the loss of his family. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. Unfortunately, as I tried to work on the things we had identified, she fell right back into the N-pattern of denial and assigning blame (all to me, of course). I will pray for you! I believed him about the stuff about his EX, why wouldnt I, who would have thought a man could make up such immoral disgusting things about another person. Im at a loss. I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. One has treatable BIpolar the other ver narcissistic personality traits. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. I would never trust another man anyhow so I stay put and just take it as it comes. Narcissists view themselves with a "higher than thou" attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things than others. Thats how they have consequences. Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. It is always me. He hides these lovely attributes in certain company people he wants to impress and/or people he craves admiration from. As for the promise, I finally had to stand my ground. My partner became ENRAGED that he had consequences. and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. We had an event October 12th to attend together, and I said we will keep this date, but that if things dont improve, that this will have to be goodbye. Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. 2. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. When asked you about it, You said you did that because you wanted her to move back so you could be closer to your kids. He of course will not go seek help remember there is nothing wrong with him just the whole world. To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. Respect yourself and trust your mind, your heart is just some needy mess you need to be grown up about. You told me you did not have your car because your brother needed it for work and could not rent a car because you had no credit card. My friend (who once was my lover) always blames me when we fight and then breaks it off for awhile. Hide nothing and do the best with what you have, but never, NEVER, accept the responsibility for your Nar behaviors. I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. My ex of 12 years NPD and BPD has tried everything in his power to destroy me and our two girls. I ask myself, how can I love a person so cruel? It depends on what they are is the role he will play. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. Kim, in response No. Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. I LOVE this article. (felt he didnt love me and felt I didnt have a partner). Once he stopped the aderall i could see manipulating, the narassium. He knows we will have seperate accounts from this point forward, but I dont think he really believes it. I like your advice about just ignoring the behavior. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. Did he just not bond with me and I did with him and that is why this seems harder? Good luck, and let us hear from you from time to time. I look at it like a job now. No matter how soul destroying this type of relationship can be, your experience of this disorder being incurable is not ours and the DSM has also recently been updated to change their position on this. He was charged with a felony crime for impeding my breath. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. Try giving him the sort attention you crave. Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. You shouldnt be angry or vindictive and instead say something like, I am sorry I didnt do this sooner because it is obvious that you need to learn that this is wrong. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. She has a cookie business, that he controls of course. I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. but then it got controlling and he was saying Im not trying enough and that I didnt understand pressure being a mother and I should work full time then youll understand pressure. My counselor told me that he would understand if I stuck with the relationshipbut he needed me to know that even the strongest of women are affected on some level that they may not even realize and that many of his current older clients are suffering dire consequences of enduring this behavior long term. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. Please dont ever stop! Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. It is great that you understand boundary setting so well. Tanya and Genelle, My story is the same too :/. Here's why a narcissist may cry when someone dies: Attention - to shift the spotlight of the whole event onto them and claim as much of the focus as possible. This had 2 effects. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. He slandered her and he will slander me. So I have learned that it is best to let true Narcissist alone, especially those that have untreated and unrecognized borderline along with the condition. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. 1 Be unpredictable. (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). 30 years later and the situation is only different in that I never set boundaries with her. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! The woman probably had to go home after that. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. Abandonment can be a big trigger for violence and so please dont consider leaving a matter of being able to simply cut your losses and move on. In the mean time, I date other men on a non-sexual basis but for some reason, my heart is drawn to my NPD friend. Leaving can set of behaviour you might not be expecting and it is best if you are prepared. I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. I guess Id have to print your article and brand it into my head since the other way seems to want to come out of my mouth. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. I have a severe physical disability and cannot take on parenting an adult it is too draining, Tanya we could be talking about the same man here, amazing. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. I could do anything and my dad tells me how proud of me he is, while I can't recall my mom ever telling me that for anything I've done. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. I feel it is within my rights to decide that it might be better to live apart so he cant constantly rely on me to make sure there is food in the house and such. Its always been his way or no way but I have been the bread winner for a very long time while he plays all the time and so with this it has given me strength to not let him bully me into anything i stand firm. You asked me to lend you the money to pay it off knowing that I made some money on the sale of my house, granted I did not have a new job yet after leaving my old one to move and am a single mom of two. I thought we had a strong attachment but I found out last week that he has been having affairs with several different women. The following is a summary of NPD from the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders) used by clinicians to diagnose and treat individuals with mental illness. Hi Michelle, Please contact the help desk on our site (go to http://www.narcissismcured.com and look for a link) or respond to the one of my emails if you are on my list and someone will help you get the books you need. I am really struggling with desiring an adult relationship and the reality of needing to have good child therapy techniques to deal with the relationship I do have. The sadness seems so deep, even though I know understand, Im not sure Ill every be whole. I know how painful this feels. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. Learn yours also. Jackie, you hit it so head on. We have been married for 29 years 8 of which he spent living with someone else. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. Everyone loves him.minus his employees. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. It made me feel alone too. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. Your a God send. -but the most disgusting Thing he has made up is to lie about is that I was sexually abused by adult family member as a child and he sometimes says Im still being sexual abused/raped??!!?!!? And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Narcissists are excellent crazy makers!! I do love you and I hope you do too. He instantly claimed he did nothing wrong and tried to act like they were against both of us. Pride kills humility. I bought your book about 18 months ago, started working on myself and learning how to deal with a man like him and, and I am thrilled to say, we have both made major progress. A month ago he started calling me and emailing me telling me how much he loves me and wants to get back together. Steve did get very enraged when I first started setting boundaries but as it was about what I would not live with for myself rather than me putting myself above him there was still room for him to come down out of his ivory tower and be with me once the corner he had painted himself into had become too uncomfortable. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. I think mine married me thinking hed improve his station in life (although he said I could quit working before we were married) and was vastly disappointed at my low earnings after marriage and soon after my parents hints of creating a trust so that their money could not go to him, he left. 5 Guard your sensitive information closely. I dont know how to sort out our finances and I cant see where our money is going and so I have opened a separate bank account and hired an accountant to come in and see if they can sort out the mess., I am worried about you, but I dont know how to help you (with your porn addiction) and I am scared that it is hurting our sex life and putting our marriage at risk. I held on for several more months hoping that he would come around, but he was really just waiting for me to cave. We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. So developmentally I have to bring the cookie jar down and allow him to explore the answer. I still love this man. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. It has totally changed my marriage. Kim, I havent yet bought your book Looking Glass. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. Your last comment to me when I told you I was giving up on this relationship was. these epidsodes are down right ridiculous. Hi Ann, I certainly agree with Kim. Thank you for all your supportive emails that inspire me and others. Now that part I dont understand. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. I have learned to be a very calm person and have set up healthy and stern boundaries for myself. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. I wonder if the women he is having affairs with are married? It broke my heart. I went to the attorney with you. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? He wants him to be loved under all the pain my friend feels. I heard her talk to him one time and knew he was suffering with a monster too. As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. I got out. After over 9 years it has got worse. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Kim, I totally agree with this article and after dealing with this type of behavior for 34 years of marriage I know this method works great. It does hurt tremedously though because I do love him and wanted to marry him one day. I had only met them twice but commanded you for wanting to help them and said yes. So not just the police, and stay with you, but police and ending the relation He never hit me, or anything near me. HE keeps pushing it out and starting to fight and I really need to know what we are doing, IE what my budget will be. Thanks for your counseling and sharing. Holding narcissists ACCOUNTABLE: the DARVO method DoctorRamani 1.26M subscribers Subscribe 10K Share 174K views 2 months ago SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM:. I really think your theory is wise! He was right. You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. I have not used these technics as of yet. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. I pray for him and work with him now As much as I can and as lovingly as I can. His emotional and verbal abuse has only gotten worse since I was originally diagnosed. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. There is life with or without your Nar. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. He got nicer a week or so. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. You need to start today. Over all control of the money. Thankfully I never had to suffer that but mental and emotional stuff can leave scars just as deep. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. Im doing my best to deal with everything. Your comment stuck with me. Remember if they do it once its happen again! Do I love him the answer will always be yes. Dont engage, it leaves them stunned. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. Everybody want so know her. My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. He really didnt want to go back to work because the chaos narcissists try and manage leaves them exhausted. It disgusts me. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. His escaping from commitment, especially that we r far now made me obsessive and jealous. Its been over a year. If I leave himhe will make mine and the kids lives a living hell!!! He was a master of so much and half the battle was one when I realized that he actually had people around him who let him do and say the mean things that made him go on being such a horrible person. Another common way for a narcissist's lack of accountability in relationships is to withhold from you as a form of punishment. My blood pressure is now normal again and I like myself again. Keep in mind that you earn more than I do and that I am raising two children. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor.